you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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