Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
