I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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