My room smells like vodka and shame
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
