Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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