You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
