Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Just pee around me
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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