The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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