watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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