you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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