I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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