I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
