i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My feet surprised me
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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