I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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