Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
