the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
