Where is the hickey?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
