This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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