please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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