so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Randomize
