Three words: puerto rican gang bang
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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