Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
