I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
