we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
