you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
