Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
