Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
