I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize