My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
