i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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