Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
