in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Randomize
