he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
