we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
