What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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