Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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