We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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