you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
