i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
