it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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