Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
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