He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
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