My sheets look like a crime scene.
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
You smell like a Billy Joel song
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
