um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
