i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
