i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
