thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
