I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
