I murdered the dance floor call the cops
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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