It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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