take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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