walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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