there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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