Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
