So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I looked at my own cervix.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Randomize
