Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize