my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
