Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
