Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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