I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
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